When the bedroom struggles hit and you realize there’s no one you can talk to

You haven’t had sex for months, maybe even longer. Or maybe you have it, but it hurts and you’ve been pretending everything’s fine. Perhaps your desire has vanished and you can’t figure out why. And the worst part? You can’t talk about it with anyone.

Not your best friend over coffee. Not your sister. Definitely not your mother. The words stick in your throat because somewhere along the way, you learned that sex – especially when it’s not working – is something we just don’t discuss. Even now, when sexual content is everywhere online, the moment something goes wrong in our intimate lives, we’re back to square one: silent, isolated, and struggling alone.

This silence has a name. It’s called sexual taboo, and it’s still very much alive.

The Roots Run Deep

I grew up in Catholic Poland, where the church shaped how we thought about our bodies, pleasure, and intimacy. There was no sex education at school – nothing about desire, how to communicate about sex, or what to do when things don’t work the way you expected. The message was clear: sex exists for making babies within marriage, and anything beyond that wasn’t up for discussion.

But the silence around sex isn’t just about religion. Even in more secualr societies, sexual taboo shows up through social expectations, family dynamics, and cultural norms. We learn early: this is private, this is shameful, this is something you figure out on your own.

Most of us get almost no real education about sexuality beyond the basics of reproduction and disease prevention. We’re taught what can go wrong (STIs, unwanted pregnancy) but not what makes sex actually fulfilling or how to handle problems when they come up.

The Problem With Waiting

Sexual taboo doesn’t just make conversation awkward – it actively stops people from getting help when they need it most.

Research shows that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for sexual problems. Six years of frustration, feeling distant, and growing resentment. Why? Because even if you know where to turn, admitting you need help feels too exposing and like admitting failure. Because the thought of sitting in a coach or therapist’s office talking about your sex life feels mortifying. Because the shame of speaking up feels worse than the pain of staying silent.

This delay has real consequences. Sexual difficulties rarely fix themselves, and the longer they go on, the more they hurt your overall relationship. The taboo creates a cycle: you struggle, you feel alone, you think something must be uniquely wrong with you, and the shame keeps you from reaching out.

The Permission 

One of the most damaging parts of sexual taboo is that it takes away your permission to be honest – with yourself and with your partner.

You can’t say “I’m having erectile difficulties” because that threatens your sense of masculinity. You can’t say “I don’t want sex anymore” because that might mean something’s fundamentally wrong with you or your relationship. You can’t say “I’m curious about trying something different” because that might make you seem weird or demanding.

Many people don’t even have the words to describe their sexual needs and what they like or don’t like. When we can’t name what we’re experiencing, we certainly can’t tell our partners about it.

The Gap Between Instagram and Real Life

Here’s what makes things particularly frustrating right now: we live in a world full of sexual images and content, yet real conversation about actual sexual challenges is still off-limits.

You can scroll through social media and see carefully staged sexuality – attractive people, implied passion, everything looking easy and perfect. Meanwhile, when you’re dealing with real human sexuality – the kind where bodies sometimes don’t cooperate, desires change, and long-term intimacy gets complicated – there’s no one you feel safe talking to.

Dr. Lori Brotto, a psychologist and researcher who studies sexual health, has shown how this gap between what we see publicly and what we experience privately creates real distress. People compare their lived experience to an unrealistic standard, and that gap makes the shame and silence even worse.

When You Feel Like Roommates

When sexual taboo operates in your relationship, it creates invisible walls between you and your partner. Even if you’re close in other areas of life, not being able to discuss what happens (or doesn’t happen) in the bedroom creates a deep disconnect.

Many long-term couples say they feel more like roommates than romantic partners. This shift happens gradually as sexual challenges show up but don’t get addressed. Without being able to talk openly about desire, pleasure, and problems, intimacy slowly fades until you’re living separate lives under the same roof.

Here’s what makes this hard: most of these challenges can be solved. Whether you’re dealing with mismatched desire, painful sex, erectile concerns, or just feeling disconnected, there are approaches that work. But you can’t access solutions while trapped in silence.

What Actually Helps

Research shows that couples who can talk directly about their sexual concerns and preferences are significantly happier with their sex lives. But how do you actually start these conversations after years of silence?

The first step is naming what’s happening – out loud, to your partner. Not as an accusation, but as an observation: “We haven’t been intimate in months” or “Something has changed and I don’t understand why.” This breaks the power that silence holds.

Learning how to talk about sex with your partner means developing specific skills – how to bring it up, what language to use, how to handle discomfort without shutting down.

Working with a professional can also create the safe space many couples need. Whether it’s a sex therapist, relationship counselor, or sex coach like me, having someone guide the conversation takes off some pressure and gives you tools you might not have on your own.

What This Means for You

Breaking through sexual taboo in your relationship starts with seeing that the silence itself is the problem – not you, not your body, not your desire (or lack of it).

The challenges you’re facing with intimacy are very common. Research shows that about 43% of women and 31% of men experience some form of sexual difficulty at some point in their lives. Mismatched desire affects most long-term couples. Changes in sexual response with age, stress, health issues, and life transitions are completely normal. What’s not healthy is going through these challenges alone.

Your relationship deserves more than silence and shame. Your intimate life matters because sexuality is woven into how you connect, how you feel desired, how you experience closeness and vulnerability with your partner.

Starting these conversations doesn’t have to be overwhelming. There are specific conversations that can help you reconnect, especially if you are in your midlife, practical discussions that address the real challenges couples face and create pathways back to intimacy.

Key Takeaways:

• Sexual taboo is still alive and well, keeping couples from talking honestly about what’s really going on
• The longer you wait to address sexual problems, the worse they get and the more damage they do to your relationship
• Most sexual challenges can be solved when you have the right information and support
• Starting the conversation is as simple as naming what’s happening without blaming anyone
• Working with a professional creates a safe space where you can learn the tools to reconnect

Don’t Wait Six Years

If you’ve been struggling in silence, wondering if things will ever change, or feeling disconnected from your partner because of what’s happening (or not happening) in the bedroom, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

The conversation you’ve been avoiding could be the beginning of real change. Whether you’re dealing with mismatched desire, communication challenges, or feeling like roommates rather than lovers, there are practical approaches that can help you reconnect.

Book a free discovery call to explore whether coaching could help you break through the silence and rebuild intimacy in your relationship. Sometimes what you need most is permission to speak honestly and someone who doesn’t judge and understands exactly what you’re going through.