Looking in the mirror shouldn’t kill desire, yet for countless people, it does exactly that. Body insecurities can sabotage our most intimate connections, turning what should be moments of pleasure into exercises in self-doubt. I know this firsthand. Since childhood in ballet school, I experienced constant pressure about my weight—dance teachers criticized our bodies relentlessly. Though by normal standards we were all skinny, ballet standards were different. This early experience caused significant mental damage during my formative years, creating a foundation of self-criticism that followed me into adulthood.

The internalized voice of my ballet teacher only intensified as my life progressed. Motherhood brought dramatic physical changes—my caesarean delivery left a big keloid scar and fold on my belly, and my breasts lost dramatically their firmness after breastfeeding. This new body became a source of deep shame and intense self-criticism. I would hide when changing at the gym, comparing my post-breastfeeding breasts to other women’s. I became so self-conscious that I didn’t want my husband to touch either my belly or my breasts. The distress related to it became unbearable, so I eventually decided to get breast implants. If I knew the post-op pain, I would probably decide against it but years later I can say that it gave me a significant confidence boost.

Just as I was beginning to feel more comfortable in my body, another challenge emerged. A spinal surgery resulted in significant loss of muscle mass and limited what positions were physically possible during intimacy. Now in midlife and perimenopause, my body continues to change. Through all of this, my husband insists he loves my body—but believing him has been a challenging process.

I’ve learned that what matters most is how you feel about yourself. If you have extra weight but you’re comfortable in your skin, wonderful—don’t change. But if you’re suffering, consider changes that might help. The goal isn’t meeting others’ standards—it’s finding peace within yourself.

I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone. In fact, body image concern is the single greatest block to sexual self-acceptance and fulfilment for many women. It’s also a major cause of low desire—if a woman doesn’t see herself as sexually desirable, she quickly loses her desire for sex. Our relationships with our bodies profoundly affect our sexuality, often in ways we don’t fully recognize.

How Body Image Insecurities Manifest in the Bedroom

Female Body Image Concerns and Their Sexual Impact

Female body image concerns tend to be far-reaching, focusing on breasts, hips, weight, legs, buttocks, and even the size of clitoris or vulva lips. Many of us experience what sex educator Dr. Emily Nagosky calls “spectatoring”—essentially floating outside ourselves during intimacy, worrying about how we look rather than focusing on how we feel.

We avoid certain positions that might highlight parts we’re insecure about. We keep shirts on, prefer darkness, or position ourselves in ways that hide perceived flaws.

One woman shared with me: “After having children, I felt like my body was a stranger’s. During sex, I’d find myself thinking about my stomach jiggling instead of the pleasure I was feeling. It took years before I could be fully present again.”

Male Body Image Concerns and Their Sexual Impact

Though less discussed, men struggle significantly with body image during sex too. Their concerns typically fall into two major categories:

Penis size concerns: “Am I big enough?” is a question that haunts many men. This anxiety is often fueled by misconceptions from pornography.

Performance and body concerns: Men also worry about sexual performance, masculinity, sexual adequacy, and overall body appearance, particularly around weight gain or muscle definition.

As one man confided: “I occasionally struggled with maintaining erections during sex, which made me incredibly anxious about the next time. Eventually I started avoiding intimacy altogether because the fear of not performing was so overwhelming. What I didn’t realize was that my withdrawal was causing more relationship problems than any physical difficulty ever could.”

An often-overlooked aspect is how uneven sexual desire in relationships affects men’s body image. If their partner doesn’t want sex as often as he does, many men wonder if their body is unappealing or if they’re sexually inadequate in some way.

The Origins of Negative Body Image in Sexual Contexts

While (social) media certainly play a role, our body image is shaped by many influences:

Early Messaging: Comments from childhood leave lasting impressions. A dance teacher’s criticism, a parent’s well-intentioned diet suggestion, or schoolyard teasing can echo decades later.

Life Transitions: Pregnancy, aging, illness, medication—our bodies naturally change throughout life. Each transition requires a new relationship with our physical selves.

Partner Experiences: Both affirming and negative interactions with partners become part of our body story.

How Body Insecurities Disrupt Sexual Pleasure and Connection

When we’re uncomfortable in our skin, intimacy changes in subtle and obvious ways:

• We may avoid initiating sex, waiting for times when we feel marginally better about our appearance
• Our minds wander during intimacy to thoughts about how we look rather than the pleasure we feel
• We limit ourselves to “safe” positions or activities that don’t expose our insecurities
• We struggle to communicate our desires because we’re preoccupied with our perceived flaws
• We rush through encounters just to “get it over with” rather than savouring connection

 

A client once told me: “I realised I hadn’t had an orgasm in months because I was so busy managing how my body looked during sex that I couldn’t focus on how it felt.”

Practical Techniques to Reconnect with Your Body During Intimacy

Mindfulness Approaches for Sexual Body Confidence

As a sex coach, I recommend shifting focus from how we look to what we feel. Simple exercises can help:

• Focus on your breathing during intimate moments
• Notice temperature, pressure, and texture during touch
• When visual worries arise, gently return attention to physical sensations

 

When I started practicing this mindful approach, intimacy slowly transformed from a visual performance into a sensory experience.

The Mirror Exercise for Body Acceptance

One particularly effective activity is the Mirror Exercise. Here is how you could practice:

1. Strip down, stand in front of a full-length mirror in private
2. Look at your entire body without judgment, simply observing
3. Starting with the top of your head and then going down your whole body, piece by piece (your hair, lips, neck, breasts, arms etc.), look into the mirror and tell yourself what you see and how it makes you feel – you must push yourself to find positives, things you like about your body

 

At first, this exercise can feel uncomfortable, even painful. But with practice, it helps reclaim your body as your own rather than an object for others’ evaluation. Looking in the mirror and speaking about your own body is a powerful activity.

While it seems logical to hide “problem areas,” limited research and many personal accounts suggest the opposite approach helps more. Gradually becoming more comfortable with your unclothed body—both alone and with a trusted partner—often reduces fixation on perceived flaws.

Communication Strategies for Body Insecurities

“I feel insecure about my breasts” might seem like a vulnerable disclosure, but it can actually reinforce negative focus. Instead, try:

• “I feel most comfortable when we start with the lights dimmed”
• “I love when you touch me here and here, but I’m sensitive about contact with my stomach right now”
• “I’d like to find positions where I feel more supported”

 

These statements address concerns while moving toward solutions.

Building Sexual Confidence from Within

I don’t remember who said that but it resonates with me deeply, “Sexy is a feeling that emanates from inside the person.” Self-loathing creates a negative response in others, including sex partners. Conversely, self-acceptance—not necessarily self-love—creates an energy that others respond to positively.

This isn’t about forcing yourself to love every part of your body. It’s about recognizing that confidence and comfort in your skin are what truly create connection, not some arbitrary standard of physical perfection.

Sometimes practical adjustments make significant differences:

• Finding underwear or lingerie that feels good on your body (not just what looks good to others)
• Creating an environment with lighting that feels flattering yet still allows connection
• Using pillows or furniture for support to make positions more comfortable

 

Supporting Partners Through Body Image Challenges

Partners play crucial roles in nurturing healthy body image:

• Expressing appreciation that feels authentic rather than obligatory
• Acknowledging that bodies naturally change throughout life
• Creating space for insecurities without trying to immediately “fix” them
• Sharing your own vulnerabilities when appropriate

 

My husband’s consistent message that he loves my changing body has been healing—though truly hearing him has taken time. His patience throughout this process has been as important as his words.

Embracing Your Body as an Instrument of Pleasure

Perhaps the most liberating shift comes from seeing our bodies differently. Rather than visual objects to be judged, our bodies are instruments of connection and pleasure.

After years of harshly judging my changing body, I’ve slowly learned to appreciate what my body can feel and do rather than how it looks. And despite spinal surgery, it still can do a lot! This shift didn’t happen overnight, and some days are better than others. But I’ve discovered that when I’m fully present in sensation rather than lost in appearance concerns, intimacy becomes richer and more fulfilling.

I still have my ballet teacher’s voice in my head sometimes. My body carries the marks of my life experiences. These changes are evidence of a life fully lived, not flaws to be hidden. My body is imperfect, but I grew to accept it and embrace it.

Our bodies will continue to change throughout our lives. The question isn’t whether we can prevent these changes, but whether we can experience pleasure and connection within them. For me, the answer has gradually become yes—not because my insecurities have vanished, but because I’ve learned they don’t have to have the final word on my sexuality and body image.