We have good sex, but we want it to be even better

You’ve probably already tried a lot of things, or maybe you just fantasise about them? However, if you do not feel very confident in negotiating your sexual needs or it turns out that there are discrepancies between you and your partner when it comes to potential experiments, you can seek professional help by consulting a sexologist, (sex) therapist or a sex coach.

Find out what sex coaching is and/or arrange a free virtual coffee with me, during which we will assess how I can help you best. Seeking professional support is not something to be ashamed of, it just means you’re open to developing yourself sexually and getting to know your sexuality, as well as having the desire to strengthen your relationship.

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In the meantime, go ahead and try these 5 proven activities that will help you enrich your sex life:


Before you make changes, talk about them

The first step to enriching your sex life is an open and honest communication with your partner. Such conversations are usually not the easiest, because we are often limited by shame or fear of our partner’s reaction. But without a conversation it is not possible to make any changes in our sex life. It is important that it takes place in an intimate atmosphere, so that no one or nothing disturbs you. You can plan it or initiate it spontaneously, but it is better not to start during sex (as it will easily spoil the mood). It is important that you both feel comfortable, not tired, too busy, etc..

Talk about your desires, fantasies and boundaries in a safe and non-judgemental atmosphere. Each of us represents a unique type of erotic personality that defines what turns us on and excites us about sex, so it is important that when talking about our needs, we show mutual openness, express curiosity and, above all, do not judge. This doesn’t mean you have to fulfill their desires, but try to understand and not shame someone for what they find interesting. Remember that whatever excites your partner is part of their sexual self.

But first, take time to individually reflect on your desires and fantasies. What turns you on and what doesn’t? What have you always wanted to try and what do you know you can’t? What are your limits? Ask your partner to do the same. You can even create a list of sexual activities and divide them into categories: green (definitely yes), orange (maybe), and red (definitely no).

With this you will see where you are at a given moment, where there are common points and where there are discrepancies. This may change over time and as you expand your comfort zone, for example, activities from the orange category may move to the green category. Remember, the key when talking about your needs and desires is to express yourself honestly, even if you are afraid of what your partner will think about you. By discovering and sharing your deepest desires, you strengthen the intimate bond between you as partners and set the stage for exciting changes in your sex life.


Start negotiations

Now that you know what each of you would like to try and you have talked about it with your partner, it’s time for the difficult art of negotiation. Here are some tips:

Ask (don’t demand and don’t beg) for what you care about – remember not to “modify” your real needs just because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.

Avoid judging and criticising the other person and listen carefully to what they say to you, and then – using the so-called “I-messages” – talk about your own feelings and needs.

Set realistic expectations – “50 Shades of Gray” or pornographic films are not necessarily the best reference point.

Expand your comfort zones – for some it will be turning on the light during sex, for others the so-called “dirty talk”, and for others still it could be a trip to a sex shop or BDSM. It’s about creating a common comfort zone and expanding it together.

Look for a compromise – no one likes to compromise because it is associated with resignation, and achieving it within our sex life is an art which requires considerable skill. However, try to think of your relationship as a joint company, and of compromise as the best possible solution, and that you are making decisions that are good for the company, not just one of its partners.

Remember to respect your own boundaries as much as each other’s during the negotiation process. Be aware that refusal at this moment does not mean that the situation will not change in some time. And above all, don’t forget that even during difficult negotiations you can have fun.


Build tension

The hardest part is over, now it’s time for pleasure. Nothing excites us more than waiting for something pleasant.

Remember your long-awaited vacation, going to a party with friends or a romantic dinner? What these events have in common is that they were planned. So why not schedule sex?

Many of us think that planning sex robs it of spontaneity, and that only spontaneous sex is really good. But is this really the case? Check it out!

Make an appointment for a specific day or even an hour. This does not mean that you plan sex down to the last detail – just reserve time to be intimate with each other and see what happens between you. What matters is your anticipation for this moment. Build tension beforehand, flirt with messages, send each other sexy photos.

Remind each other about the date, imagine what you will do together. It would be ideal if you organised a babysitter for this particular time (if you have children), but even if you have to do shopping or laundry after work, try not to forget about the evening together that is waiting ahead for you.


Take your time getting there

Another element of building tension and intensifying pleasure is the so-called “foreplay”, which many couples skip or shorten things to the necessary minimum.
This may be due to, for example, lack of time or even because it is considered to be only an introduction to “real” sex; a frame of mind which certainly reduces the value of any sexual activities preceding intercourse.

What is important in this context is that many of us experience desire in a responsive way, in response to sexual stimulation, and only then comes arousal, and a physical reaction of the body (erection or vaginal lubrication) – which may take a while. Therefore, it is worth slowing down and taking time to enjoy the “appetiser” before moving on to the “main course”. Engage your senses to enhance your sexual experience. Discover the power of touch, taste, sight, sound and smell. Experiment with sensual massages, dim the lights, turn on soft or stimulating music, use scented candles and oils, and include aphrodisiacs, erotic toys or good quality lubricants in your games. Focus on exploring your partner’s body.

You can try this 3-minute game invented by Dr. Betty Martin, which involves you taking turns asking each other 2 questions: 1) How do you want to touch me for 3 minutes? 2) How do you want me to touch you for 3 minutes? So you have 4 rounds, 2 of which are for you, because you either do what you want or get what you want, and 2 for your partner.

Remember that everything you do must be consensual, and that the journey can be as pleasant as the arrival at the destination.


Explore new territory and have fun

Go beyond your routine, be open to new experiences and ready to explore together both in and outside the bedroom.

Research has shown that doing new things (not necessarily sexual, because our brain does not distinguish between the sources of our excitement) stimulates the secretion of dopamine (the so-called “action hormone”), which has a positive effect on our well-being, energy and willingness to act.

The key is to expand your comfort zone and adopt an approach full of excitement about the unknown. Erotic photo session, oral sex, role-playing, mutual masturbation, anal sex?

You know best what you would like to try and what is new for you. Don’t be afraid to make changes in your sex life or fulfill your fantasies (although some of them are worth preparing well for, e.g. starting an adventure with BDSM – short for bondage, domination/discipline, sado-masochism).

You don’t have to go to a swinger party or invite a third person to join the fun to introduce something new to your sex life.

Use your imagination, enjoy both successful and unsuccessful experiments – because what counts is the time you spend together, the fun and the deepening emotional bond between you.

Taking these five actions will help you start a fascinating adventure full of pleasure and new discoveries. Remember that the key is honest communication, trust and openness to new experiences, but also allowing mistakes to happen and making mistakes.