Picture this: Alexandra and Dan have been together for five years. Last weekend, they managed to arrange their first child-free weekend in months – the kids happily off to their grandparents. They booked a boutique hotel in the city, just for them. The luxurious sheets, the absence of laundry waiting to be done, no morning rush to prepare breakfast or schedule to keep – just time to reconnect. In this bubble away from daily responsibilities, they felt playful and relaxed. Desire flowed naturally.
Fast forward to Monday evening. Same couple, same physical attraction, but a completely different scenario. Alexandra’s mind is racing with work deadlines while simultaneously trying to organise this week’s school runs and after-school activities. Dan is worried about an upcoming presentation, plus he needs to book their daughter’s dentist appointment and figure out childcare for next week’s teacher training day. Their bedroom feels less like a sanctuary and more like another item on their to-do list, squeezed somewhere between signing permission slips and checking homework. Despite wanting to want intimacy, neither feels particularly in the mood.
Sound familiar?
This scenario perfectly illustrates what Dr. Emily Nagosky explores in her bestselling book “Come As You Are” – why our experiences of desire can feel so different from one moment to the next. At the heart of this understanding is the dual control model, developed by researchers Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute, which reveals how our sexual response system actually works.
Understanding Your Response System
Think of your sexual response system as having both an accelerator and brakes. This isn’t just a clever metaphor – it’s literally how your nervous system works.
Your accelerator is constantly scanning your environment for anything that might be sexually relevant – from obvious things like attractive sights and pleasant touch to subtler cues like feeling emotionally safe and desired. Meanwhile, your brakes system is actually made up of two different types of brakes. In “Come As You Are,” Nagosky brilliantly describes these using a car analogy: there’s a foot brake for immediate responses and a handbrake that creates a more persistent effect.
The foot brake works similarly to your accelerator – it scans your environment for potential reasons not to be aroused right now. This might include practical concerns like risk of interruption, relationship tensions, or immediate stressors. This brake helps prevent inappropriate arousal (like during a work meeting) and keeps you safe from potential risks.
The handbrake, as Nagosky explains, operates more like a background protective system. As she writes: “If you try to move forward with the handbrake on, you might still get where you’re going, but it will take longer and use more energy.” This chronic, low-level brake often relates to deeper concerns or long-term patterns in our lives.
The fascinating thing is that we all have different sensitivity levels in these systems. Some people have highly sensitive accelerators – they’re quickly aroused and respond easily to sexual cues. Others might have very sensitive brakes – they’re more easily affected by stress, worry, or other concerns that can inhibit arousal.
Want to understand your own patterns? Consider these questions about your accelerator:
– Do you find yourself easily aroused by thinking about someone you find attractive or fantasizing about sex?
– Is sensual arousal enough (like a pleasant smell or the sight of an attractive movement) to spark desire?
– Does feeling someone’s desire for you tend to awaken your own?
– Do you notice specific circumstances or situations that reliably excite you?
And these questions about your brake system, particularly your handbrake:
– Do you find it difficult to become aroused unless everything feels absolutely perfect?
– If you’re aroused, do small distractions easily pull you out of the moment?
– Do you need very specific conditions – both emotional and practical – to engage sexually?
Research suggests that men tend to have more sensitive accelerators, while women often have more sensitive brakes. However, what’s more important than gender differences is how these systems interact with our individual psychology, particularly our moods and anxiety levels.
The Power of Context
Let’s go back to Alexandra and Dan’s story. What changed between their romantic weekend and Monday evening? The context. And this is where things get interesting – while we can’t fundamentally change our response system’s sensitivity, we can change what it responds to.
Think about it: Alexandra and Dan were the same people with the same underlying attractions and desires. But at the hotel, they had privacy, relaxation, and emotional connection. Their brakes were off – no work stress, no interruptions, no daily responsibilities weighing on their minds. Their accelerators had plenty to respond to – quality time together, a beautiful environment, and the space to focus on each other.
Back home on Monday, their context was completely different. Their brakes were activated by stress and responsibilities, while their accelerators had little to work with in an environment focused on deadlines and childcare logistics.
Making Changes That Matter
As Nagosky puts it, the “sexual response is the process of both turning on the ons and turning off the offs.” But what does this actually mean in practice?
First, understand that you can’t force desire, but you can create conditions where it’s more likely to emerge naturally. This means working with both your accelerator and your brakes.
For your brakes, this might mean identifying and addressing the things that typically hold you back. If stress is a major brake for you, developing better stress management techniques isn’t just good for your overall wellbeing – it’s directly connected to your capacity for desire. If body image concerns are a brake, working on self-acceptance and appreciation becomes part of creating a better context for desire.
For your accelerator, it’s about discovering and cultivating the things that genuinely turn you on. This might mean exploring different types of touch, creating more opportunities for emotional connection, or simply paying attention to the circumstances where you naturally feel most aroused.
Most importantly, remember that context isn’t just about the physical environment – it’s about your internal state too. Are you feeling confident and secure? Connected to your partner? Free from pressing worries? These internal contexts matter just as much as external ones.
Moving Forward
Understanding your personal response system isn’t about trying to force yourself to feel desire on demand. Instead, it’s about recognising that desire is deeply connected to context – both your external circumstances and your internal state. By working with this understanding, you can create better conditions for desire to emerge naturally.
Remember that most people have moderate sensitivity in both their accelerator and brakes – neither overly sensitive nor particularly insensitive. This means that small changes in context can often make a significant difference. Whether it’s creating more dedicated time for connection, addressing ongoing stressors, or simply being more mindful of the conditions where you naturally feel most comfortable and aroused, every step toward better context is a step toward a more satisfying experience of desire.
The goal isn’t to recreate that perfect hotel weekend every day – that’s neither realistic nor necessary. Instead, it’s about understanding your own patterns and gradually creating contexts that work better for you. Sometimes that might mean major changes, like addressing relationship issues or managing chronic stress. Other times, it might be as simple as creating a better transition between work and personal time, or making your bedroom a more inviting space.
What matters is recognising that your response system isn’t broken – it’s doing exactly what it’s designed to do. By understanding how it works and creating contexts that support it, you can work with your system rather than against it.
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Resources:
“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagosky
